Some days I just want to crawl into a hole. Maybe a hole in Cancun Mexico where I can lay on the beach, book in hand. Sand in my toes and sun on my face.
I’m so tired. My kids don’t listen. We talk about the same things every day…all day. It’s exhausting. I try. I try kindness. I try being stern. I try spankings. I try rewards. I try praying. I’ve. Tried. Everything. So many days I feel depleted. Depleted of every ounce of of my soul. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed. I feel lost. I feel nothing. I feel everything. I feel like a failure.
Before we left for church today the kids broke my (new) vacuum and spilled hot wax from a scentsy plug-in all over my new bathroom counter. I yelled. And said things I probably shouldn’t have. You can’t take back words. I know that. So, I yelled and off we went to church. But not before my husband said “what’s the point of going to church when you just yelled and screamed like that?” Yes I yelled, I do that a lot, but we were going to church. I needed it. I needed it to heal my soul. My soul needs church every weekend. My soul needs to feel recharged and renewed. My husband doesn’t always go to church with us. He doesn’t have the same desire to grow in his relationship with God. He goes to church sometimes, but only to make me happy or so my kids can see he goes too. If he can golf or ride his motorcycle instead, he doesn’t go. I can’t change that.
So off to church we go. I lectured the kids all the way there. I dropped the kids off at child care and went in. I sat down. Empty. Tired. In a bad mood. When I got to church today I felt like a failure. I fail everyday. I feel like I try and try to make life changes, but I continue to fail. I think – is God annoyed by me? Does He think “Gosh lady, get it together already”. That’s how I feel. How can he keep forgiving me? I pray for peace and and joy and calmness, but I’m just a ball of anxiety and anger and I never know what is going to send me into a tizzy. The clothes piled up? The dog hair? The dirty floors or toys all over the place? The groceries that I never made it to the store to buy? Bills that need to be paid? Money for the book Fair (again!) I forgot snack day? The kids not listening? A smart remark from my husband? Nothing that matters really. Stupid things. I can’t seem to change myself. I try every day to be better than the day before. To be calm and peaceful. Some days are better than others. I just wish things didn’t bother me. A clean house is not important. My kids don’t have to be perfect listeners. Why do I let little things bother me? I guess I feel like I’m not in control when I can’t get things to go exactly how I think they should go.
Sometimes I wonder why I feel so broken. I have a great life and great kids and a great husband. My heart feels empty some days. I know that I need God to make me feel whole. But sometimes I feel like I am failing God, too. Do I not know how to pray right? Is he not listening to me and my desire to be a better wife and mother? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I change? I feel like I have the weight of the world on my heart and someday it’s just going to burst.
I don’t want to ruin my kids. I don’t want to push my husband away. I don’t want to make my kids feel like they have to be perfect or that they have to be exactly as I want them to be. I want them to be confident and happy children, BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET THEM TO LISTEN. I don’t want my husband to think I’m not happy, because I am. It’s exhausting to have all these things on my mind at the same time. I cant seem to shut it off. I think it’s a normal mom thing. Right? Or am I really going crazy!?!
We went to the neighbors to cook steaks over the fire. A little time outdoors, next to the fire, under the stars, can do wonders for your soul. I’m still tired, and overwhelmed, but I feel better. Nobody’s perfect. I’ll never be perfect so I shouldn’t expect my kids or my marriage to be perfect either. I’m too hard on myself some days. I don’t always have to have it all together. I’m still praying. I’m not giving up.
It’s nice to have this place to vent. Thanks for listening. 💕
Psalm 23 – The Lord is my shepard, I have all that I need.